This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
