Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
