i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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