Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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