If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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