I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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