Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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