I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
