A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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