i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
