State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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