One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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