If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
