im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
