So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
