tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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