I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
