1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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