I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
