there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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