Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
