Got a toothbrush?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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