It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
