guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
