I faked an abortion last night.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
