Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
