In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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