I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
