"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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