If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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