Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
