They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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