God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
