I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
