They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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