It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
