oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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