I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
