Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
