i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
it's great music for shaving your balls
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
