ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
