Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
