There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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