My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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