Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
