apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
