i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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