I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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