i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
is that a dick in a sweater?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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