i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
