i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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