I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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