my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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