jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
