Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
