she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
