dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
