I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
