you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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