Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
