I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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